When my son was born (I was 24 years old), I felt, for the first time… unconditional love.  I had him at home with no drugs and the birthing process was “intense”… 9 hours and at least 80 pushes (I’m a counter).  After he was born, I had to go to my local doctor to get 90 stitches, I had engorged breasts, I was sleep deprived and it was seriously the only time in my life I felt totally exhausted . . . but, yet, and “and” I loved him more than anything “ever” . . .   and the gift from this experience taught me that my parents felt this way about me…I knew it (finally) and still BELIEVE it to this day.

All the years of over-achieving and trying to please . . . and when I boiled it down, I “finally” knew my parents felt the same way about me. What a GIFT!

Fast forward, 25 years later (2010), after “not having the perfect family life with my son” but, nonetheless positive, functional and him thanking me for my place in his life . . . HE DECIDES TO CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE . . .He’s judgmental, angry, unreasonable . . .

I’m a WRECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Surely I’m spiraling down, down, down ….

Can’t rationalize it.  Can’t understand it.  While even being a “neurotic” can’t find “my” responsibility in it.

I’ve had several interactions with my son, these past 4 years, that I have initiated.  One was good – thought there was some hope in Fall of 2012, and “and”  but at least a dozen interactions have been difficult.  He exhibits hate, anger and detachment from me.  Blames me for it all.  SCREAMS, tells me he hates me, tells me to GET OUT OF HIS LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE.. . VERY painful for me . . .

I’m at a crossroads:  feel the pain and blame me and act like a loser . . . and silently go “away” or feel the pain and use it to “LAUNCH” me into a “higher” place . . I still love my son no matter what . . . how can I use that to support and empower myself. . . STRENGTH, FORGIVENESS, OPTIONS, LIFE . . .

It’s easy to love when you get it back . . .it’s more difficult when you don’t get it back even when you deserve it.  This is my goal . . . To take what I felt when he was born and SPIRAL UP! not down….