and nobody wants to talk about it.  Family members know you have cut me out of your life.  They even have had the nerve to become your friend on Facebook and befriend you – inviting you to family reunions and one sister in particular. Katie, telling my siblings and her kids “she knows why Josh doesn’t want to be in my life . . .”  Really, she knows?

It’s so hurtful.  I can’t make sense of why you don’t want to be in my life.  I wasn’t a perfect mom and I did the best I could.  I did not abuse you, abandon you, miss treat you . . . I spanked you once and realized almost immediately that it was my anger, not your behavior, causing me to spank you.  I never spanked you again.

I listed to you, I laughed with you.  We painted rocks, went on hikes and bike rides . . . I will never forget the time you wanted a lizard and when we went to the pet store you didn’t like the lizards (thank goodness!) and we came home with a parakeet instead . . .

I cry out loud when no one is around and it’s hard to stop.  It’s been almost 9 years and it does not get any easier.  I try not to think about it, about you, about any memories because it hurts so much . . . and nobody wants to hear about it, nobody came to the funeral . . . nobody made me comfort food nor comforts me.  and the few friends that know you cut me out of your life make light of it and some even say they know what I’m going through – but they don’t.