I am a perfectionist, so thankfully I have good resource skills to resolve problems and make most things right and have made it through my first 59 years.

I can’t always make things right.  I have a lot of anxiety today about a house problem.  I feel worried and can’t find my deep breath.  I lost my patience with a home mitigation service worker and yelled at him today.  I couldn’t at all understand what he was saying and he had dollar signs in his eyes.

I am all alone. . . I am a mess and can’t stand myself.

I grew up thinking I had to be perfect to gain my parent’s love.  I didn’t know how untrue that was until I had a child of my own.  The unconditional love I felt was an amazing discovery.  I wish I could feel this unconditional love for me as I did for my child.

If my son Josh ever reads this he will taunt me with this human flaw.  When I tell him “I love you” he says “how can you love me when you don’t love yourself?”  Such a trite statement.  Is it really true we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves?  Maybe it’s true and maybe that’s how I drove my son away from me . . .

I was upset when my son Josh did not tell me his grandfather died.  I heard about it from my sister two months after his death.  I yelled at him.  I felt anxiety and worried about Josh.  “why had he kept it from me?” , I wondered and worried. This was our last argument in August of 2011, almost 9 years ago.  It was right after this that he cut me out of his life.

At least I know I had to be perfect to keep his presence. . . I am not perfect.  I am flawed.  I am all alone . . .I am a mess and can’t stand myself.