Silence Outloud

I’m still hurting . . .

Josh cut me out of his life around August of 2011. I have to say I thought it was just a simple misunderstanding and I tried to reach out many times. All times where met with hostility, anger, foul language and very contrived thoughts from him. My heart aches for him, but I can’t change him. He told me several times that if I loved him I would leave him alone. I have not reached out to him since March of 2015.

I’ve recently learned that Josh is friends with my siblings and nieces and nephews.  To learn from his life from afar is too much pain for me because I’ve put so much work into letting him go.

My arms are heart will always be open to him but I can’t face him befriending my family which further make the betrayal hard to bare.

Spiraling up or down?.

When my son was born (I was 24 years old), I felt, for the first time… unconditional love.  I had him at home with no drugs and the birthing process was “intense”… 9 hours and at least 80 pushes (I’m a counter).  After he was born, I had to go to my local doctor to get 90 stitches, I had engorged breasts, I was sleep deprived and it was seriously the only time in my life I felt totally exhausted . . . but, yet, and “and” I loved him more than anything “ever” . . .   and the gift from this experience taught me that my parents felt this way about me…I knew it (finally) and still BELIEVE it to this day.

All the years of over-achieving and trying to please . . . and when I boiled it down, I “finally” knew my parents felt the same way about me. What a GIFT!

Fast forward, 25 years later (2010), after “not having the perfect family life with my son” but, nonetheless positive, functional and him thanking me for my place in his life . . . HE DECIDES TO CUT ME OUT OF HIS LIFE . . .He’s judgmental, angry, unreasonable . . .

I’m a WRECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Surely I’m spiraling down, down, down ….

Can’t rationalize it.  Can’t understand it.  While even being a “neurotic” can’t find “my” responsibility in it.

I’ve had several interactions with my son, these past 4 years, that I have initiated.  One was good – thought there was some hope in Fall of 2012, and “and”  but at least a dozen interactions have been difficult.  He exhibits hate, anger and detachment from me.  Blames me for it all.  SCREAMS, tells me he hates me, tells me to GET OUT OF HIS LIFE, LEAVE ME ALONE.. . VERY painful for me . . .

I’m at a crossroads:  feel the pain and blame me and act like a loser . . . and silently go “away” or feel the pain and use it to “LAUNCH” me into a “higher” place . . I still love my son no matter what . . . how can I use that to support and empower myself. . . STRENGTH, FORGIVENESS, OPTIONS, LIFE . . .

It’s easy to love when you get it back . . .it’s more difficult when you don’t get it back even when you deserve it.  This is my goal . . . To take what I felt when he was born and SPIRAL UP! not down….

Nearly Two Years have Passed.

and he still is angry with me and does not have any space for reconciliation or forgiveness.  His texts are hateful.

I still love him.

I’m working on turning this grief to something very powerful and positive in my life . . . more to come.

I just really, really, really miss you and hope you are ok.

Love, Mom

Missing Adult Children Update.