If feels lonely and inhumane to be ignored. It feels even worse that you have accused me of untruthful things. You are my own flesh and blood – I gave you life and now you are taking mine away.
I don’t know how I will ever get over this? The sadness is so difficult each day and it keeps growing. It’s like I become more and more dead each day. If this is what you want, you’ve succeeded. . . .
Is there a way to do this? Please help me if there is!
If I could just go back back to before he was born I would not know the pain of his silence. Please help me if you know how to do this!
When your dad and I separated – you almost age 2 – you were my sole responsibility and you depended on me solely for survival and emotional support. Which I gave you unconditionally.
I made a plan to make my life better for me and you and left your dad. The consequence was that I had to say good bye to the concept of “shared parenthood” and endure your Dad’s judgement of me and accept letting you go to a point. I own thisconsequence and am sad for this, but did my best to make it the best for you.
At age 4 you had strong opinions about how my life was wrong. You expressed hate for the “city” ( I lived in the city), which I happened to like. You tried everything you could to come between me and any other boyfriend interest. You did not like that I worked. You called your step mom, “mom” and didn’t think twice about it.
I was cautious with you when we were together. Being positive, even though your negative outlook. . . showed you the benefits of the city. . . riding bikes to get an ice cream, getting to learn how to swim in an Olympic size pool, Dave and Busters, Aqua Golf, ESPN zone, Bowling.. . etc. But also honed in on the fact that we could still be close despite city or country… Camping in the living room, fish acquarium, putting together puzzels, planting a garden in the back yard, catching craw dads in Washington park, playing and swinging in the play ground…
Why you had such an adversion toward me is very questionable? Who told you to be so opinionated? Who told you to dislike me? Perhaps hate me back then? . . .
All I can say, is I saw the clues that you were against me then. That’s about it.
I have not posted here for a while.
Yes, I’ve been busy, but that’s the story of my life. I do find things to keep me busy. My career, my home, reading, exercising, cooking, cleaning, family, friends. . .
I have not been forgetful about you. You are at the top of my mind each morning when I wake. Each life moment that reminds me of you – there are many.
I think I’m just trying to be numb about it and not feel about it, because when I think about it . . . that you won’t speak to me . . . I feel so sad and self depricating . . . . and then I feel mad. What did I do? to deserve this? And then I realize I just need to let you come back to me on your own and gain a great deal of acceptance. . .
But then I’d rather just be numb about it.
Some days I’m ok. I don’t feel sad that you don’t talk to me. Don’t feel weepy. In fact I have healthy and happy thoughts.
Do wonder how you are and what you are doing and how you are feeling.
and reach for the phone to call you . . . as if you will take my call, just like you used to. Or you’d text me back and say “what’s up?”
But then it comes back to me . . . and instead of going into a depressed state I enjoy being in this shock like state and forgetting that you don’t want to talk to me, because it often, if not always, does not make sense to me.
I hope you are having a good life. Miss you. . . .
Silence Outloud 