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I want to scream!
What do we do when our children cut us off and don’t want to speak or communicate to us (not even text to us!)!
I want to scream – but realize that would not help this . . . but I still want to SCREAM!
Scream .. WHY?! . . . because I’ve done nothing that deserves this . . .. to withhold communication with me is a punishment, does not feel like love, and is a message that says “you and I don’t matter” . This is untrue BTW. You and I Matter! I’ve not been prefect, just human, not inappropriate whatsoever . . . but . . . .. I want to stay connected to you . . . yes please . . . . . . .. .I just simply love you more than anything. . . . . .
and I will always want to Scream. . . . until you chose to come back to me. . . .
I think of you everyday
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. A friend of mine had a baby boy today. She was a part of a miracle today. Just like I think of you. And you a miracle.
In Case You Did not Know
I wanted to grow up and be a wife and mommy. This was my childhood scripting and the only thing I knew. When I was in High School, I excelled in academics and told I “should” go to college. I did. While so young, 18, I did feel a career calling and capable. I moved 800 miles away from home 2 weeks after I met your dad. He wrote me a love letter every day while in College and I couldn’t stand being so far away from him. I struggled with the “career” or “wife” role for some time and then after my first semester I decided to quit college to move back home, closer to what the love of my life was at that time, your dad.
The school counselor had a conference call with me and my mom. But I still quit and moved home, married your dad and 6 years later gave birth to you. I had a slow but growing career at a local bank at that time and thought that career calling, wife and mother were something I could master. I was inspired by Jane Fonda’s work out book on child birth and recovery that told me I could! I believed it. . .
When I was 7 months pregnant with you, your dad lost his job. The income was soley up to me. I had some mathematical sense and budget discipline and figured how we could live and he could not work. But, in the long run I knew we could not keep our house or lifestyle and make it work.
I decided to go back to College and make a better living. Your dad and I fought and it didn’t work out. I found myself a single mother with bills, and wanting to make the best life for you and me possible.
I never chose work over you, while it may have appeared that way. You, you were the motivation for me taking care of myself to take care of you. . . . and I just so happened to excel and get on a wonderful career path. . . not in place of you, but because of you.
Leap Day
It’s a day that does not show up every year. Leap day 2012. February 29, 2012.
I’m especially vigilant about my son’s dog today. He’s old and has been slowing down for the last 9 months.
The dog was a gift to my son but I’m the lucky beneficary to his dog’s presence because it was not feasible for my son to take physical control of him.
Your dog (and mine) is up and down with his health. Last week he did not make eye contact with me and could not control his bodily functions. This week he’s been more engaged with life and today gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek.
Peace to our little dog and my absent, but all so important son, as I go through a day by day, week by week, analysis of his life and what’s the best outcome for his sweet and precious quality of life.
Paradox . . .
Being your mom has been one of the most paridoxical experiences for me. It all started with 9 intense hours in labor where the pain was so intense and overwhelming I cursed everything around me and worried about the women I knew who choose to do this child birth thing more than once. They were for sure mad and utterly ridiculous.
But then I saw you.
I exclaimed I’d do it again more quickly then most, my midwife admitted. You were something with such love, bliss and energy. You . . .my new born son.
I’ve made my biggest mistakes with you . . . overdressing you and you developed heat rash all over your body; showing your baby pictures to your grade school class mates; denying you were sick and you could have died from a tooth infection; fighting with you over a hair cut and making you cry; losing patience with you, not being there when you needed me . . . But I’ve grown the most as a person because of you. I’d never experienced the feelings unconditional love until I met you. You taught me to let go and have fun. I learned to appreciate rocks, bugs, dirt and a young man’s perspective that can be so different than a young woman’s … and so much more.
Since you stopped talking to me it hurt’s more than anything has ever hurt, but I know the flip side of my hurt is the happiness you bring me and I thank you for that today.
There is silence between us, but I’m comforted to think that we will someday reunite and it will be that much more to celebrate.
Love,
Mom
Silence Outloud 